Dear: somebody i used to know.

FUCK ALL THIS SHIT! I LIKE HER! I CARE ABOUT HER! I COULD BE WITH HER ANYTIME SHE NEEDS ME AND I WILLING TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER!
I ONLY REALIZE THAT COULD BE SO HURT WHEN SHE SAID HER GOODBYE!
IT'S NOT A FAREWELL MY STUPID FUCKING MIND!
BUT WHY THE TRUTH THAT SHE WILL NOT AND WILL NEVER BE WITH ME LIKE WE USED TO BE COULD HURT ME THIS MUCH!
YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT THINKING ABOUT HER. WHILE I'M TELLING MYSELF YOU AND ALL YOUR SHITTY THINGS NEVER WORTH MY TEARS I STILL HAVE TO TRY SO HARD TO HOLD ME TEARS.
YOU DON'T AND YOU NEVER WORTH MY TEARS, WHY IT STILL HURTS SO BAD LIKE NOW?
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD KNOW. I ALWAYS SHOW. BUT EVEN I DIDN'T KNOW. I CAN'T JUST BLAME ONLY YOU.
BUT IT HURTS!
IT HIT ME SO HARD AND NOW I'M FEELING THE PAIN RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS DAMMIT I SHOULDN'T I MUST NOT FEEL IT!!!
I JUST LET YOU IN. SO CLOSE. SO CLOSE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR LEAVING COULD DO THIS HARM TO ME...
I JUST PUT DOWN ALL THE BARRIERS TO YOU AND NOW I HAVE TO FILL THE HOLE YOU DIGGED ALL BY MYSELF FUCK ALL OF THIS I WAS JUST A FUCKING STUPID INNOCENCE BITCH!
I WAS JUST A REPLACEMENT, EVEN WORSE, WASN'T I? 
I SHOULDN'T LET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN!
I WISH I DIDN'T LET YOU IN!!!!!
HOW THE FUCK IN THIS WORLD CAN I SOLVE ALL OF THE SHITTY THIBGS RIGHTNOW!
YOU MIGHT BE HAPPY...
I WISH YOU AND THOSE CUNTS ALL ROT IN HELL! I WISH ALL THE WORST WILL HAPPEN TO YOU ALL SO I WILL FINALLY HAVE MY FINAL LAUGH AND REST IN PEACE AT LEAST FOR ONCE!

Ho hey!

Ok, so i'm back. But only for a while and then i'll vanish again.
So... Let start at where we left. After a shock names Supernatural season final, i'm back to my blog again. It's hard to tell again bout what i felt after that episode. Just know one thing that only SHOCK. And i had to carry the shock blanket for a long time...
So now, i'm coming back. Well, just want you to know, i'm working on another new projects (again). I'm working on 2 of them, even the truth is 1 of them is still in the waiting room.
The first project i'm working is another fiction series written by me. Well, it calls "VORTEX". I want to post a new entry to talk about it, or maybe just wait for my next entry if it could be... You've already known that i had dropped a huge of fictions i wrote during the last year. "The game of truth", "Bartholomew Busted",  a short series about a girl and her imgine angel based on my life... Bla bla and bla bla... Well, that was a shame... I tried so hard working on them but it hard to make it right, i mean, there were a lot of plans, but no direct goal. So now, i change the way i work. I make another new and more clarity plan for this project. I already knew what i have to write, how i do it, how the stories go... So, just hope this will work well..
The second project, well, i'd like to call it "Ideas runner". Why? Long story! But unfortunately, i'm too busy those days to start working on it. It's still a plan, a name on a waiting list. But i'm really excited about it. Hope i can start it soon.
So... That's all announments i want to share. Thanks for noone's listening.

Untitle

Seriously doubt what kind of life are we living in now? What the hell is human? The one who bullies the weaker but keeps hidong behind the screen and talks like a sane? Humanity? What the fuck is humanity? That's people who leave their comments on someone's who was bullied something like: "We always follow the crowd dude but poor you!" and then leave without minding and forget everything just happened. And what the fuck is bullier? All of us! All of us are bullier, guys! Do you even own your brain? What the fuck is just happening in there? Still they work? Or they were just completely dead and filled with pronography or something else?
Guys, wake up! You can't not control how people think and what people want! You are NO GOD! You are definately not a sane like you think you are! This is a free world, most of us are living in a free country, we have ALL THE RIGHT to do whatever (but) legal we want! And yes, even if we do things illegal, noone have the right to tell us "you must", except your parents. You will pay for what you've done but it all by yourself!
Let me make thos point clear! I just read some random comment on the internet. You know, same sex marriage is now accept in the whole America. That's a wonderfil news, of course! Most of us, even we aren't living in Usa, still feel glad of it. Of course, we do celebrate. We use the app on facebook, change pur avatars into something rainbow. What the hell is wrong with that? NOTHING! You live in Usa? Lucky you. We live in another place, whatever, we're still happy for that. But you know what, i read a comment, just one comment, and it said something like, ppl just follow the crowd. That shit is happening in another far far away country and we have no business to do with it! Get over this shit, fuckers! " Something like that, i just try to summar it. And yes, others are angry! They reply that comment, and for Gpd's sake, the owner answer all the replies with a bad attitude. And yes, the story keeps going on and on.
I don't understand. Of course we follow the crowd, we have nothing to do with that, but what about you? What the fuck on earth are you doing there? You hate it? You don't like it? You think it wrong? That's your point of view. NOONE CAN STOP YOU HAVING YOUR POINTS. But look, you hate it? Why have to suck your ass there and start a fight with an angry crazy crowd when it really, really, really brings no good to you. Ppl laughed at ypur face, ppl blamed you, ppl yelled at ypu, ppl said you're a cunt. Are you happy for that? Do you like that? Why the hell someone, came from middle of nowhere just popped in, left a lot of shit and than received even more than what he left...? And why the fuck other ppl who still have a clarified mind had to give the shit to that point if they thought it's nonsense or stupid?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS! Why you have tp spend time hating something when you can do something so much easier that's stop caring and pretent like we don't see that shit?
Bullying? Who's the bullier and who's the bullied? We think we're the victims but fuck no, until we're still hiding behind the computer screen, we are still the bullier. You start the fight or not, you're still wide up with that shit. God, i don't understand why they have to show their hate. They have all the right to show their hate. But seriousely? Anti fan in a "fans jam"? Are you crazy? Or you want to be popular by some scandals? Or you just miss a taste of shit so you have to pay a visit and taste it again from the crowd who are standing opposite your side.
You're an ant try to swim over the ocean, honey. It always ends up dying...

Dear friend

It's funny to take the point that there's some people are being to hard in the other's attitude. I mean, come on! You're not my mon,  don't tell me what i must do. You might think you're special somehow so you asked my brother to greet you in the most polite way like you're his great great super great grandma everytime you pay us a visit. Sorry to say, our house, our rules. You're just a friend so be okay when we treat you like a friend. Don't ask to be our grandma or something, even blood doesn't get that polite. We be kind to you so just receive it and show us the same. Ask for more? Sorry! But who the fuck are you. My family doesn't like your family and we're glad about it. My parents know so well how to teach their children to be the good ones and they don't fucking need your advises thank you for that anyway. We have our rules and we know how it works. You're so nice telling us your feelings and thinkings but i think it's time you learn to know who you are and what's your responsibilities. Your family wouldn't do that? Fine! That's yours of course has to be different than mine! You work their way? Good! And i work mine! Don't try to teach me or teach us what is right and what is wrong. Maybe he was just careless and he never thought you would be that hard so he didn't pay much attention to greeting you im the best way. But you're not so much older than him so you have no right asking him to greet you as his grandma or something. He's still so polite and kind when strangers come and nothing you have to bother bout him! We know how it works, my dear. And you are, so sorry to say that, but not so much but a stranger to our family. I'm glad that you still care and mind, but does it deserve to ask some impolite question to me like you just did? I'm so sorry! But you talked like my family and my parents doesn't know how to teach their son. You talked like we know nothing just not any shit and you and your family are the best at teaching so you have all the right to tell us what to do and what don't. The way your parents taught you? Good way? Fine! Keep it to your children. We don't need yours kindness or your care! That's our business not yours! Your attitude has been so good so you can't except it whatever that's your problem! We mind how we do and we don't need your care.
Have to say this cause i was so mad at you while you tried to convince me bout my brother's bad attitude and even when i tried to explain you just shaked them off and held tide to your hate in the first sight. I don't know if you really feel that or not but this is how i take a story and you make me look at you like a bad guy! Dear, i'm glad you're my friend and i'm glad you care about my family. It's just, good things but not in a good place goog time and good reason. Sometimes you have to shake pff your old rules and follow the temporary new rules when you take a step in someone's house. Learn this. You're not the button of this universe don't ever, ever command anyone to greet ypu like one. And beside that, except the other's, specially the younger problem in attitude. Look at youself in the mirror and ask if you used to be like them or not. And then act later, that's must be better.
I'm nothing more but a friend of you but still hope you could change your mind even though you may talk back to me something like "teach me a lesson? Who the hell you think you are?"

4 days, keep counting down. We're all gonna die!!!!

I have to write all this shit down so if one day not so far they all become true i will be able to say i regret nothing from following the show and ship my otp.
I have no fucking idea what is going to happen in the season finale, but sweeties, i know what will i do after it.
I'm reading a lot of metas said that Cas will die. If i was who i was a yrs ago, i would drive mad. But me today, after Charlie left, i opened my eyes. I would hurt so bad so so so fucking bad if Cas die, i could see it so far. I used to be a hard shipping of Delena. Almost 4 yrs of my life, i only shipped Delena the most. But things changed and i alowly left the show. Just yesterday, i watched the season finale of tvd ss6. Nina Dovbert said her goodbye to tvd and also her character Elena Gilbert. Well, so my old ship Delena just sunk. I couldn't tell i didn't want Elena leave until i saw the scene of goodbye. Elena was so annoyed since the ss4 but i did never give up on my ship. I still shipped it so hard. So freaking hard. And with the ending like that, it hurt like hell. So i can imagine myself one day when it happens with Destiel. I can see how much it could hurt me and the rest of spn fandom if Cas dies.
But let's think again. Maybe it could be a good sign. I could find some reason to quit the show. I never take anyone who said they would quit the show if their fav characters got killed off are not the real fans. I mean, they are real fan. And because they are real fan, they would hurt after their favs died. U can see it clearly after Charlie's death, the whole fandom really got crazy and some really left the play. So there's nothing to prove i'm not a real fan if i left after cas died. I was real fan, i WAS. I just got enough. That's all. The show isn't be the best like it used to be, slowly, but we've all seen that. And i have some last reasons for me to keep watching something i don't really like everyweek. Cas and Destiel are the reasons. And i would be so hurt and pissed at the same time if those reasons just gone. So leave the show is just some not so impressed stuff we would see. Just like how i said bye bye to tvd.
And what if the good things come? I mean, what if Cas will not die? Well, keep hanging myself on the ship and facing with all the upcoming suffering things. Right?

Charlie's dead, whose fault?

Here are a few things i want to make them all clear you guys. All are my opinions, no offend, no hate, just opinions, but don't you dare deny my theories.
.....
CHARLIE'S DEATH IS SAM FAULT. BUT NOT ALL HIS FAULT.
.....
- First, We all see Charlie didn't want to put Dean in the dark when she heard about Sam's plan. 100% sure she did warn him ipthat would never end well. But Sam keep convince her to go with him. You know the feeling when you really hate to do something but you still knock because you don't want to refuse and disappoint the ones you care about? That was how Charlie felt! She didn't want to say no even when she wanted. Sam and Dean were like brpthers to her and what will a little sister say when one of these brothers needing help and the other asking for help? Of course, she would NEVER say no. I have mo idea if Sam ever planned about it, but seriously, you have eyes and you all see that Sam somehow used their relationship to convince Charlie to agree woth him.
- Second, Cas also warned him about the risk they might take. What did Sam say? "For Dean." Once again, he used the relationship to convince both Cas and Charlie to help him. He knew so well they always love Dean and no way they would say no. He already knew the danger of the plan he's making. People warned him, he denied them all. I took it like it was his frustration. He thought he have no other choice so he had to take every risk to stop the mark. But honestly, he should learn something from his old experiences. Doing things behing Dean's back never bring anything good. He's already done that times ago. He should be the one who knows best.
- Third, i wonder, did Sam know about how danger the book of damn is? He chose to keep the book, lied to Dean and even Charlie at first. Charlie was so impressed and worried when she knew the book hasn't beem destroyed. Sam MUST know that. It just likes he was tp blind of trying to save Deam so he just forgot everything else. And also, working with Rowena the most evil witch bla bla bla like he introdiced her is also dangerous. Asking Cas being a babysitter may not a good choice because Cas is so... naive... But Rowena is so... evil. At least, he should know that.
- Forth, now talk about why it wasn't all his fault. People are right about this point. Sam is not the only one who is blamed for Charlie's death.
     * A, it's Charlie fault. She was being messed up with her head, she was so stressed, she was afraid of failing Dean, bla bla bla. But, she just made a bad choice. She denied Sam and Cas warnings and left the place tp the hotel alone... It's her fault, or we call it the fault on the writers who just wrote a strong smart woman like Charlie, did something stupid and carelessly like that.
     * B, it's Cas fault. He was trusted by Sam to be the babysitter while Sam went with Dean. He just too forcused at Rowena so he didn't notice that Charlie had left alone. It was his fault that he failed his mission. He failed Charlie at the last minutes.
     * C, the other to blame, that's Rowena. Just a simple question, if she hadn't fucked up with Charlie's head, would her choose to left to place at first? Rowena to be blamed cause she was the reason Charlie wanted to go out of that place alone.
     * D, blame this to the Frankenstein families. They were the ones who killed her.
     * E, we all know, it's Deam' fault. Since the begining, all the things they had done just for Dean, only one reason: Save Dean Winchester from turning into a demom again. He should never take that mark at the begining. He definately knew, again, take that mark with him and things would never end well. But he just took a risk. He was frustraded, just like Sam. That was the only way he found to kill Abaddon.
     * F, if we blame Dean, blame Crowley too. Crowley pushed Dean into the Abaddon's stuffs, while he shouldn't be there.
     * G, and blame Cain. Owner of the mark of fucking Cain. Head of the story.
     * H, if we blame Cain bacause of the mark, let's also blame... GOD KNOW WHO ELSE????
.....
So like i told you bellow. Charlie's death wasn't all Sam fault, but the most parts, it's his fault. I hate how people keepip saying Charlie was to blame for her own death because she didn't listen to Sam bla bla bla... Don't you think Sam should be another one needs tl be blamed because of the "i don't listen to you" stuffs? Beside, i also hate how people keep making the point that kt wasn't Sam fault. Guys! It was HIS FAULT! If we blame anyone, blame him first. It like he's already owned 9 parts of fault in the pie chart of Charlie's heartbreaking death. I love Sam, seriously, no hating here! But you guys is making me annoyed by deny all Sam's fault! Those are pointless!

Love art.?

For one time, i need to be honest. I love art! I love drawing! I'm learing graphic design and having a plan to stick my future job with it. But honestly, i don't think i was born for only drawing. I mean, yes, i love drawing, but that doesn't mean i'm good at drawing and even when people think i'm a little bit good my teachers still say no. But it's ok! I'm still good, i'm still fine with this. Because i don't go to school for scores. I learn cause i want to know what i haven't know. I learn for knowlegde. But i wish the teachers at school could just teach me and stop judging or comparing me. This is art! We don't have a rule, we don't have a standard. We never be able to make it clearly or to answer the question what beauty really is. Everyone have their own standards, everyone see the beauty by their different way! So i just wish the teachers could just skip the "Giving scores part" and move to the "Teaching part". Seripusly, what the hell is the school students come and do whatever the shit on their owns, and then the teachers appear give them their marks and disappear after that without any explaination!?! Hah! That's quite of ridiculous but sad at the same time. I go to school, but i learn nothing. I know,working on my own is good, trying to get the best score is good, but hey, what's all of these about if we just learn nothing from the people we call teachers? So, yes, one of my all reasons, i love art, but i'm definatelly not a good artist, of course, will never be the best. I tried, ok? I did triy and i'm still trying. But sometimes, it feels like i'm trying for nothing. My mind my feelings my money my time? I don't think the good scores at school really worth it. And yes, i have to say it! I don't think i will spend the rest of my life living with art. It's just, my love for art is not big enough to sacrified everything for an artist's life. I'm not an artist! I'm sorry to say that, but i'm really not. I don't love it unconditionally! And i won't die for it! I still have a lot of interests in my life. I love animals. I love cats. I love nature. I love travelling. I love watching tv series or movie. I love English. I love foreign languages. I love writing. To be honest, i even love writing more than drawing. I wonder, is writing some kind of art? Well, God know! I just want to make sure, beside art aka drawing, i still have a lot of stuff to do. And if you asked me to draw my last great work and then die being famous after i finish it, i'm sorry, hell no!

I'm seriously mad. Can u just see?

So, it sounds like i always be my own, but the truth is i don't know who i am anymore... I don't know who i am anymore. Do i always be like this or it's just me at this time try to act like this? Am i really an anti social bitch or it's just ppl see me like this? Am i really a freak or it's just you always be so normal so you think someone doesn't be like you is a freak? Do i try to push ppl away or just ppl who push me away close every doors on me and then come back to blame me why i don't let them in?
Seriously, i'm asking a lot question i've never dared to ask before! You should know that i am not that heartless bitch i act u always see! Why i turned to stone? Bcoz i'm too afaird of getting hurt!
Noone truly knows me well enough to understand me. To know that i am not that kind! You said because i don't open my door. Excuse you! You are the one who never knocks on that door even when i never lock it and then you blame me why don't i invite you in okay do i look like a kind of person who likes to invite every strangers on the street to go through my door???? Huh? Do i? I am not the easy going type! So i'm sorry! I know i am not like you. I just like to make friend with someone who asks me first, i always shy when i talk to an opposite sex person, i'm a geek, i don't talk much, i prefer stay at home than go out but it still depends on the stituation, i like cat and i dislike dog. Do i make them all clear? Do i make you clear that you and me are not the same and even the world you think you are in is not the same type with you???? Think about it! Noone is like anyone! If you can born like healthy and happy child please, just please don't complain when you see someone wasn't born healthy or happy like you! Ppl have their own life and if you can't understand their life so just shut up and don't jugde? Have i ever judged you? Have i ever complained when you keep saying all your nonsense stupid little girl's things in your daily life? Have i ever told you to go away even how busy i am? Have i ever said you are a fucking jealously childist selfish stupid annoyed girl? Huh??? HAVE I???? HAVE I EVER DONE THOSE SHITTY THINGS TO YOU? I never judge you cause i know you have your own story and i'm just a listener so all i can do is stay there and listen to your story. Sometimes i leave a stupid comment just to make it less serious! And i'm proud to say i never judge you. You don't know me that well! After those year i keep telling lies just to satisfied you. Lies didn't make me who i am but lies built another different fallen version of me inside your head and now you look at me and all you see is just what you think you saw!
Oh! I am sorry! I'm sorry cause i say too many lies. But it doesn't mean none of this is real. A year in hell and more than 5 years living in bad luck left scars on me. I've never showed you cause i'm too scared you could see the broken me too far different than the badass person i show you. And i'm sorry for all the lies i said just because i'm too stupid thinking that i could buy you some fun! You have you fun and i loose my own self in your eyes!
I wish i could change it! You can't see through the cover doesn't mean you can't see the rest of me. You ask and i give. I truly want to share, but just if you want to see. I just don't like to show it in public i don't want the world to see it all! You are doing just the same thing like me have you ever realized this? You have your cover, your mask. You wear different covers with different ppl and i just wish i could see the true face you hide inside that plastic bag like i think i know you. I know you! We are not so different. And because i know you, i never judge you! Why can't you just do the same to me?
This world is a hard place. I've seen too much, i've understood too much so i've feared too much. But i'm totally okay with the way i'm living! I'm find having just a few friends, i'm find being a geek living with books and movies, i'm fine having an internet life, i'm fine staying at home talking with my cat. They are just fine with me ok? I don't care who the hell are you and what the hell that you like. But i like what i'm doing and i'm still alive so just shut up and don't even ever judge my life. You can go out, make friends, talk, love, hate. Whatever you want! I don't judge you. I'm just not the same kind with you. Those things, they aren't for me. And yes, i know if i keep being like this it's gonna be hard for my future life but guys i have no fucking idea where will my future hold! I just try to survive till the day i find out it? Ok? I feel fine! I AM TOTALLY FINE! And one more thing, because i act different than you doesn't mean you are normal okay? I was born to be different this is my bio so i'm sorry for you if that is not what you was born to be but i'm sure i know who i am and what i want ro become. I don't do crowd! I don't follow the crowd. You follow? Fine! Just go. Don't yell at me when you see i don't follow what you're following.
I'm not the same type as you. If we were then i have to say we are just robots built automaticly and our brains smell like metal! I am not you and you are not me. But i still understand and respect you whatever you do because there's only one simple reason YOU ARE MY FRIEND. Just do the same to me can you?