I'm seriously mad. Can u just see?

So, it sounds like i always be my own, but the truth is i don't know who i am anymore... I don't know who i am anymore. Do i always be like this or it's just me at this time try to act like this? Am i really an anti social bitch or it's just ppl see me like this? Am i really a freak or it's just you always be so normal so you think someone doesn't be like you is a freak? Do i try to push ppl away or just ppl who push me away close every doors on me and then come back to blame me why i don't let them in?
Seriously, i'm asking a lot question i've never dared to ask before! You should know that i am not that heartless bitch i act u always see! Why i turned to stone? Bcoz i'm too afaird of getting hurt!
Noone truly knows me well enough to understand me. To know that i am not that kind! You said because i don't open my door. Excuse you! You are the one who never knocks on that door even when i never lock it and then you blame me why don't i invite you in okay do i look like a kind of person who likes to invite every strangers on the street to go through my door???? Huh? Do i? I am not the easy going type! So i'm sorry! I know i am not like you. I just like to make friend with someone who asks me first, i always shy when i talk to an opposite sex person, i'm a geek, i don't talk much, i prefer stay at home than go out but it still depends on the stituation, i like cat and i dislike dog. Do i make them all clear? Do i make you clear that you and me are not the same and even the world you think you are in is not the same type with you???? Think about it! Noone is like anyone! If you can born like healthy and happy child please, just please don't complain when you see someone wasn't born healthy or happy like you! Ppl have their own life and if you can't understand their life so just shut up and don't jugde? Have i ever judged you? Have i ever complained when you keep saying all your nonsense stupid little girl's things in your daily life? Have i ever told you to go away even how busy i am? Have i ever said you are a fucking jealously childist selfish stupid annoyed girl? Huh??? HAVE I???? HAVE I EVER DONE THOSE SHITTY THINGS TO YOU? I never judge you cause i know you have your own story and i'm just a listener so all i can do is stay there and listen to your story. Sometimes i leave a stupid comment just to make it less serious! And i'm proud to say i never judge you. You don't know me that well! After those year i keep telling lies just to satisfied you. Lies didn't make me who i am but lies built another different fallen version of me inside your head and now you look at me and all you see is just what you think you saw!
Oh! I am sorry! I'm sorry cause i say too many lies. But it doesn't mean none of this is real. A year in hell and more than 5 years living in bad luck left scars on me. I've never showed you cause i'm too scared you could see the broken me too far different than the badass person i show you. And i'm sorry for all the lies i said just because i'm too stupid thinking that i could buy you some fun! You have you fun and i loose my own self in your eyes!
I wish i could change it! You can't see through the cover doesn't mean you can't see the rest of me. You ask and i give. I truly want to share, but just if you want to see. I just don't like to show it in public i don't want the world to see it all! You are doing just the same thing like me have you ever realized this? You have your cover, your mask. You wear different covers with different ppl and i just wish i could see the true face you hide inside that plastic bag like i think i know you. I know you! We are not so different. And because i know you, i never judge you! Why can't you just do the same to me?
This world is a hard place. I've seen too much, i've understood too much so i've feared too much. But i'm totally okay with the way i'm living! I'm find having just a few friends, i'm find being a geek living with books and movies, i'm fine having an internet life, i'm fine staying at home talking with my cat. They are just fine with me ok? I don't care who the hell are you and what the hell that you like. But i like what i'm doing and i'm still alive so just shut up and don't even ever judge my life. You can go out, make friends, talk, love, hate. Whatever you want! I don't judge you. I'm just not the same kind with you. Those things, they aren't for me. And yes, i know if i keep being like this it's gonna be hard for my future life but guys i have no fucking idea where will my future hold! I just try to survive till the day i find out it? Ok? I feel fine! I AM TOTALLY FINE! And one more thing, because i act different than you doesn't mean you are normal okay? I was born to be different this is my bio so i'm sorry for you if that is not what you was born to be but i'm sure i know who i am and what i want ro become. I don't do crowd! I don't follow the crowd. You follow? Fine! Just go. Don't yell at me when you see i don't follow what you're following.
I'm not the same type as you. If we were then i have to say we are just robots built automaticly and our brains smell like metal! I am not you and you are not me. But i still understand and respect you whatever you do because there's only one simple reason YOU ARE MY FRIEND. Just do the same to me can you?